Home?

If the adage, "home is where the heart is," is true, I'm a long way from home. And probably a bit scattered. Some of my heart is up with my mom and dad, some is in Bburg with my brother, some is in Boston with my friends from college, some is in Kville with my friends there, and a big huge piece of my heart is back with M. I've officially moved 175 miles away, as of this morning. Yeah that doesn't sound so horrible, but here I sit, my life changing dramatically, and no one who loves me within check-in distance. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited. I don't know how to answer that question. I know the answer they're looking for is a simple and exuberant "yes!" but I can't bring myself to do that without tearing up. Here's what I feel:

I'm anxious. I'm starting a real job tomorrow that isn't going to pay me enough to live. I'm far from my family and friends. I know no one in this town. I'm not sure I live in the safest place ever. I have no idea how I'm going to take care of my health here. Not to mention that I do anxiety pretty darn well.

I'm sad. I left my handsome, fun, funny, sweet, charming M more than two hours away. In a different timezone. I know people do this all the time. I've done distance before myself. It doesn't mean I can't be sad about it.

I'm lonely. I've never been a very good play-by-yourself person. I like to be around other people. I don't know how I'm going to meet people. I have some connections through friends back in Kville, we'll see how that goes.

And I am excited, a little. About the potential of what this job could bring. Because they're so excited to have me working with them. I'm in a big city again, with lots to do and see.

I just wish some things were different. Namely I wish my innately anxious self would just chill out so I could enjoy this new step. (Anyone have some Xanax I could borrow?) I also wish that more people could just listen when I say these things. I'd give voice to them more often if I knew I wasn't going to be met with the same five statements of encouragement every time. I know every single person means well, I don't mean to be ungrateful for the support. It's just frustrating. Then again, maybe giving voice to my myriad of feelings isn't the solution. Maybe I need to swallow those anxious feelings and fake it til I make it. I think there is a lot of validity in that process as well. It worked in College, it worked in Kville, maybe it'll work here too.

I honestly never thought I'd drive away from Kville crying. After a year and a half there, I figured I'd be ripping off the rear view mirror and flipping the town the bird as I burned rubber off into the distance. Then, something changed over the last year. Kville became my home. I have an incredible community there. It was so hard to leave it behind. I type all this melodrama knowing full well that I'll be going back there a week from Friday. If I listen to that other old adage, "home is where you hang your hat" then Kville isn't my home. But so much of my heart is there. So much more of my heart than I ever imagined.

This post seems disjointed and poorly written as I read over it. It makes sense because that's how I feel. Disjointed. Out of place. Uncomfortable. Tomorrow I start work, and maybe things will be a little better. And maybe I'll just spend the next two weeks counting down to going back to Kville. It's okay, I knew I would feel that way at first. New places are hard. I need to work on repeating, "I'll make this better," instead of, "it's only a year and then I can move." Then again, the second was my motto when I first moved to TN and that turned out alright too.