Life on the Gulf

I'm at the beach. It's incredible. I'm staying in a million dollar condo for four nights for free. I'm watching M do what he loves. I'm eating so much seafood mercury poisoning is a real possibility. This is the life.

Fresh Air

I'm back and refreshed. I said more than once over the weekend that when I top Afton mountain coming into Cville I feel like I can breathe again. I went to see Annemieke, and meet her boyfriend of 3 years who I haven't even spoken to on the phone. In a world where people complain about the lack of intimacy in relationships because of the internet, I am so thankful for facebook for making me feel like I'm still part of her life. When we talk about what's new, it's not all a total surprise. Of course it is better to get all the juicy details in person.

Luckily, I got to see her parents and brother too. I love these wonderful people like my own family, and they treat me like I'm one of theirs. I even got to see my mom and dad who came down on Sunday to have breakfast and wander around grounds with me.

Aside from the people I got to see this weekend, the highlights of the trip were:

• Eating my way through Cville (as usual). This means I had Take it Away, Bilt, Bodo's, Southstreet, Mudhouse Coffee, Arch's, and the Tavern. I also took someone to eat at LJ's. I'm pretty sure I gained 5 lbs in three days. I'm pretty sure it was worth it.

• Private tour of Ashlawn in the rain, all because it cost $20 to go to Monticello.

• Apartment party with lots of red wine and salsa dancing. Seriously? When was the last time you were hanging out in a 2br apartment with a bunch of grad students and a full blown Latin dance club broke out? So fun.

• Dusting off my tour guide skills and talking about the history of UVA. I could go on forever, seriously, you wouldn't be able to shut me up.

• Finding M the perfect birthday present from the perfect store!

• Driving through Blacksburg (this is hard for me to type, we're supposed to hate those hokies) and having dinner & coffee with my bro on the night before his first day of classes!

Low lights of the trip were minimal, but:

• Getting rained on all day Saturday.

• Not being able to afford to walk the grounds of the home that belonged to the founder of my university. Mr. Jefferson would not like that at all.

• The driving part of my trip back (18 wheeler blowing a tire right in front of me, too tired, and then too hopped up on caffeine).

Next up? Finding and securing a place to live in my new town. But first, I think I'll go to the beach for a couple of days!

Reunited And It Feels So Good

This weekend I'm driving up to my old college stomping ground, Charlottesville, Va., to see my one of my very best friends, Mieke. My 1st year roommate & all around confidant is in the country for two weeks (she lives in Belgium now) and I was absolutely determined to see her! I'm beyond excited. I know we all have those relationships where distance and time really have no effect. This is one of those.

I told all of my friends from high school that I just knew my roommate would be some tall blonde who the boys fell all over. I was right, she's 6'1", beautifully blonde, not to mention foreign...What I didn't expect was how strong our connection would be. We lived together again the summer after 3rd year, before she moved back to Europe, and I've been waiting for her to come "home" ever since. I miss her all the time. But it is an amazing feeling to know that I have someone like her out there. If I needed her, she would be on the first plane, expenses be damned, and she knows I would do the same. We've been through everything together from the little things (general college stress) to the medium things (major break-ups) to the big things. You don't really know someone until you live with them, but I got to know her by living with her. I was one of those lucky ones who gained a forever-friend out of the random roommate drawing (thanks, UVA).

I'm also psyched about spending three days in Cville (the happiest place on earth). I'm bringing M back a t-shirt, it's about time he get inducted into this part of my life!

Midnight Krog, Part II

Yesterday I drove to Nashville (and back) to look for a place to live. After 12 solid hours in the car, I was deliriously tired. Not to mention still apartment-less. My poor legs were so swollen, I had to take a nice bubble bath just to calm down my joints. M came over after work and brought Madea Goes to Jail (so funny! Tyler Perry is hilarious.), and a bottle of red wine. Yeah, he knows me. Halfway through the movie, which was paused several times because we haven't had much facetime lately, he looks at me and says, "I'm hungry." If you know M, you know he's not really hungry all that often, but when he is, he means business! After a quick review (read: veto) of my cabinets, I said, "well, Kroger is open 24 hours." This is what we (he) bought:

Yesm, we did buy 2 bags of Tostitos. AND Cheetos. Carb-fest 09. Also, who would have thought the Krog at midnight on a Monday would be prime people-watching time? We saw six sorority girls in matching t-shirts carying a case of Miller Chill & piling into one small suv. We saw two groups of 19 year old fraternity guys, who were clearly underage and just hoping their horrible fakes would work better on the third-shifters (they did). On the way out of the grocery store we heard, and then saw, one guy yelling at nothing and throwing half-full cans of coke at the ground. Eventful.

M made two packs of ramen, and ate them straight out of the pot. I made rotel (a southern staple) and we both commented repeatedly that we should put it away, while dipping yet another chip. And we laughed. The whole time.

I love you, Midnight Krog.

Nine

My counter says 9. That means 8 different people (one hit was me) have, at the very least, been here. I know that there are very popular blogs out there that get hundreds of hits a day, and comparatively this is nothing. I still feel strangely connected. I'm not writing about fashion or politics (rest assured I have a lot to say on these topics). I'm writing about me.

I love Sundays for everything the represent. Relaxing, sleeping in, reflecting...and of course - postsecret. I wrote a postcard to send to Frank once, but before I could send it, my secret was revealed (don't worry it was a good secret :). Maybe I'll send one that says "I have a blog."

www.postsecret.com

Counting

"When I am troubled and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep. And I fall asleep counting my blessings"

Bing Crosby was not a nice guy in real life, but I sure do love him in White Christmas.

Most of my posts have come late at night. One of the reasons is I feel like writing should be a wind-down, recap activity. The other reason is that when I've got a lot going on in my head I have a very hard time falling asleep. This post is going to be a list of all of the amazing things I have going for me. In no particular order...

1. My parents love me. We don't always see eye to eye. They don't support every decision I make (although they have been incredibly financially supportive lately). But, bottom line, they want the best for me and it comes from a place of love.

2. My little brother is my friend. After all these years of sibling spats (and we're good at those) we have finally arrived at a friendship. He gets life in my family like no one else ever will, and I hope that I do the same for him. Also, he lets me call him 'kiddo' (and take pictures like this one of him) even though he'll be 21 in March.

3. I have made incredible girlfriends in each of my life incarnations. My high school (mostly rowing) friends were the best sounding board, the best encouragement I could ask for. If it hadn't been for my college suitemates (plus one or two honorary 210s) I truly believe I would have left college and moved home. My friends here in Tennessee have been family when I had no one else, and bouyed me when my favorite words were, "I can't."

Lauz and Mieke, the loves of my life. Distance knows no bounds.

Jen. Her family is my family. Thank God for them.

Who wouldn't fall in love with these two?

4. I am so in love with my M, my heart grows like the Grinch's when I'm around him. I'm thankful he doesn't call me on the dopey expressions that he no doubtedly catches on my face on a regular basis. He's so smart and talented, and I am so blessed to have his love too.

5. I got a graduate degree for free. I'm not using it at the moment, but I will someday. And If I don't...well it was free.

6. In October I am starting my first 40-hour-a-week job doing something that I am passionate about. I waited a long time to find something that I would love doing. It's not in the right city, but I can work around that for now. (A wise man told me that when I'm 80, this will have been 1/80th of my life.)

7. I'm creative. Not to toot my own horn too much, but I love to do creative things and I think I'm pretty good at it. I make jewelry, paint, refinish, decorate, photograph, sew...Really anything that lets me see things in an artistic light makes me happy.

I painted this.

Those are the biggies. I bet dollars to dimes I sleep much better tonight.

She's With the Band

I'm not a particularly jealous girlfriend. Yes, I get those pangs when other girls hover around M, but I really think they come from a different place. I worry from time to time that I'm not quite enough, that a better girl will come along and that will be it. This is a totally irrational worry (as most of mine are). Not because I'm the perfect girl (this is for SURE not true), but because he reassures me constantly, with words and actions, that he's not looking for anything else.

Part of why I get to have these moments of inadequacy more often is because of M's chosen profession. He plays in a band. They're awesome, by the way (www.homemadewinemusic.com). But the girls. I had some great friends from college who play in a band. We always used to go out to see them play and make fun of the college girls who threw themselves at the stage. This is even better. I go to about 2/3rds of the shows they play here in town, and I can spot an interested girl from a mile away. "HE'S cute," they shout to their friends above the din. Then they make their way over to dance right in front of him and make mooney eyes up at him. Now, he's not the only one that gets individual attention. Each of them have their own obsessed fans. But in the case of M in particular, I want to say, "waste of time, girls. I tried that tactic for moooonths before he finally noticed me. Oh, wait, what I meant to say was, he has a girlfriend..."

All this being said, I do understand that part of being a successful band is working a crowd. Part of working a crowd full of women is leaving the suggestion that they could get somewhere. We've had this conversation before. The one where he assures me (without prompt) that while the first words out of his mouth might not be, "I have a girlfriend" (duh, how weird would that be? Those aren't the first words out of my mouth when I meet a guy either), he knows--as any great boyfriend does--where to draw the line. So, as long as the girls keep dropping a couple of dollars in the tip bucket, I won't say a word. Those tips take me out on dates ;).

Love/Hate

I love going to the grocery store at midnight. It's awesome. At my local Krog that's when they put out the fresh produce (Strawberries for 1.88!). There are no cutesy shopping-for-dinner-together couples who make me want to barf (even though I've been party to this). Also, I think that's when the nicest people work. Three people asked me if I need any help, and two offered to take my basket for me when I was done with it.

I hate it when they're out of one of the 7 basics I need. This means I have to go back the next day. Out of Skim Milk this time, boo. I get that it's shelf restocking time, but come on. Pull the old stuff and stock the new stuff - right away. How hard is that?

Name Calling

I have been called an, "old soul." I have to say I take this as a great compliment. When I was working in child care, the "old soul" kids were always my favorite to be around. If you don't know what this means, picture a child who might not even be verbal yet, who, unlike the other kids (that claw and explore and get in spats with each other) sits and watches everything. This child is curious in a way that would not kill the cat. For the most part, observation is their strongest ally. He or She (usually she) always appears to be in the process of understanding something on a level that is way to deep for the current developmental stage. I love those kids.

However (the downside), I usually end up feeling like the most responsible person in the room. I figure this will end at some point, although stories my mom tells about her peers makes me think this might not be true. I told M last night, I often think to myself, "You guys would be doing all kinds of stupid s%!$ if I wasn't sitting here." He agreed.

Good Friends

My anxiety level progressed to 100x worse than it was when I posted last. The night before last I slept maybe 3 solid hours without waking up & feeling like I was about to throw up/have a heart attack. Pretty dramatic, huh? The good news is last night I had plans to hang out with a friend and while I was laying on her couch I nearly nodded off a few times. When I got up to pick up my stuff and go home, I could feel that old anxiety boiling up inside me. It's like a pressure cooker. I just looked at her, and she said, "I'll bring you a pillow, you can sleep here tonight." I was so grateful. I know I wouldn't have slept nearly as well at home. And although I woke myself up more than a few times throughout the night, I'm sure that I got a lot closer to 7 hours just sleeping on her futon. And today I feel better. And tomorrow I'll feel better than today. And the next day I'll feel even better. And eventually I'll be fine & back to normal. It's been a while since I've had one of these all consuming periods of anxiety. It caught me off guard this time, but I know I'll get back on my feet.

It has struck me that this blog has taken on a bit of a whiney tone...Something must be done about this. I'll do my best to pull myself together and make a change. I can be more than just whiney, I can be witty too! (At least I think so :) )

(I Y xkcd - http://xkcd.com/313)

Self Diagnosis

If you've never been an anxious person, you probably have no idea how stressful situations can be all consuming. I am often told (while chuckling) that I need to calm down or relax. I hear, "you need to chill out," all the time. Ususally when someone says this to me I laugh it off with them. "You're right," I say, "I'm fine, just over thinking it." It's easy for me to put it off this way infront of other people. It's easy to say, but this is what it feels like: My muscles hurt (particularly my shoulders and back) because I'm tensed up constantly. I have a lump in my throat, the kind you get when you're going to throw up or cry. And finaly I feel like I'm on the fringes of a migrane all the time.

Here's the thing, these feelings can be brought on by small or large worries. And newsflash: If I've made the effort to actually come out and tell you what's worrying me, laughing at me or rolling your eyes and telling me I'm overreacting is not helpful. I already know I'm overreacting. What I need to hear is that whatever I'm scared of is not going to happen, or will work out, etc.

We all have our own reactions to stress. Some of us have mean moments toward those around us (I have those on occasion), some check out on the rest of the world (yep, done that too), some eat, some don't eat (that's me), some overshare, and some hold it in (I'm in the middle on that one). The good news for me is that I have an incredible support system who know me very well. They (mom, dad, brother, boyfriend, good friends) are incredibly adept at talking me down. Perhaps because they have to do it so often. I'm not always so bad but I definitely have my moments, mostly in times of transistion, where I just need someone to make it better for me. I would have a hard time believing that no one else shares that feeling. I'm trying a new outlet with this writing thing. I'm still in the, "we'll see how it goes," stage.